My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
