im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
