I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
