How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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