I smell stomach acid.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
