dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
