I cockslap morals
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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