Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
