Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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