yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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