WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
