He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
