I don't usually arrange sex via text message
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
