Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
