dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
