Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
