after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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