Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
