my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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