i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
