im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
