Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
