I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
