I wish I could teleport
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
