I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
