i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
