Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
