Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
