if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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