She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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