some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
