I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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