drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
do nipples grow back?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
