just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
