I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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