i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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