Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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