I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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