Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
