Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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