Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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