I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
