I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
