then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
