Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
