dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
