whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
