I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
