hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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