looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
