i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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